Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
