hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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