toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
