i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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