My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
