so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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