i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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