theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
