We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
