Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Randomize
