I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize