She is in my trunk
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
