Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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