I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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