I must be too annoying 4 u.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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