Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
