and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
