Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
