I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I deserve this hangover.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
