drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
