I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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