i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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