You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize