Ambien. No doubt about it.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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