very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Is Oprah even human
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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