These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
