Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
