Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
