I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
