If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Can Purell be used as lube?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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