I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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