i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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