i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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