He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
