He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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