Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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