thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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