I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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