is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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