dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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