i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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