Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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