Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
