Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
