Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
