so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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