Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dear god my vagina.
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