you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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