so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
