When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize