I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
