after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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