Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
