He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just got carded by a ten year old.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
