You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
