remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
