Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
