I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
