Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
