i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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