he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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