I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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