HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
